Sunday, November 30, 2008

Do Dirty Things to Me While Maintaining an Impenetrable Impassivity...Please...

So let's round out this month of thanks with a nod to one of my favorite walking money shots, Alan Rickman.

If you're too squeamish to be sexually molested by this embarrassing video, please feel free to skip to my commentary.

(embedding was disabled, go HERE to see the video.)

Okay. I admit that I'm obsessed with this.

The song is beyond hideous. Who is this Texas creature anyway? But I will tolerate her saccharine warbling ad infinitum for the sake of repeated droolings over my savory, succulent Alan Rickman--his raw middle-aged sexuality is positively inconvenient.

Let me analyze what makes me lust after this man to such an unseemly degree:

1. His obvious indifference. Take the opening scene. While the girl whinges on, Alan examines his fingernails. Detachment is dead sexy. He'll get to you when he's good and ready; not a moment before. No matter how much you thrust your proverbial bosom at him.

2. His jowls. Some might say these are the hallmark of drooping age and even the aftereffects of a younger life of undisciplined excess. I say jowls equal sexual experience. The jowly man has had many lovers. He knows how to please them and how to be pleased. Don't ask me why jowls prove sexual prowess. I just know somehow that they do.

3. His frowny face. Who doesn't like to have to guess whether one's partner is enjoying things? The disequilibrium a frowny man creates in one is shiveringly attractive. And if he once smiles even sardonically, even half-way, well, it's the last stroke.

4. Willing to tango in a gas station without a trace of irony. Yum.

5. Willing to be pushed hard against a concrete wall by a woman--the only trace of vampiric smile in the whole episode emerges--not afraid of being thought weak, and in that way is actually the stronger one. Once again, we revisit the concept of "topping from the bottom." I admit that I like a man who tops from the bottom. It's always unexpected and puts a girl at her dis-ease. Gratifyingly so.

6. Leaves the girl without a goodbye or even a nod, just a smoldering squint, a toss of keys, and a jowly frown.

There you have it, a quick analysis of what makes this droopy-jawed delight an obvious sex machine.

So who is your weird fantasy fodder?

30 comments:

Brandy Rose said...

Ok, thats just crazy. Me and a friend of mine recently asked eachother this same question and we both had the same anwser as you. Alan Rickman...there's just something about him. I personally like to picture him in my mind as Severus Snape....there's always something about a bad guy...

kylie said...

well, i was thinking that my only fantasy is to have the bloke i'm with think that the sun shines out of my bum and that's not so weird


then i realised that it's TOTALLY deluded. lol

Leah said...

Brandy Rose--welcome to my Severus Snape-obsessed world!!!!! I love the book character, though, too, even separate from Alan Rickman. But Alan Rickman is I think one of the sexiest men alive!

Kylie--I like that fantasy too--but it isn't going to happen, especially not in a loooooong marriage, right? Can we just say that if they think the sun shines out our bum even some of the time, that's pretty fantastical?

Megan said...

I muted it and it still worked.

Leah said...

Megan--OMG, swoon swoon I think it works even better muted. This way one can focus on Alan's eyebrow raisings without the distraction of the icky song!

Megan said...

That's what I'm sayin!

Too Little Time said...

Keanu Reeves :) K

Walker said...

Nope, he doesnt do a thing for me.
Either does she for that matter.
Now that car looks like i can get into it ;)

MJ said...

Old Knudsen.

Old Knudsen said...

Texas is a fine Scottish group and Rickman is a German terrorist, I know which one I like.

Suzanne said...

I had to mute it because the kitties are all sleeping and I didn't want to disturb them. But even with the sound on, I don't think I'd feel differently. It isn't me. I agree with Walker. I could tell you what sex means to me, but it wouldn't matter, but this isn't it. It seems very cold and harsh and that's not me. I'm all warm, comfy, cozy and sexy, and I love a man who loves a woman. And that man does not love a woman.

Just my opinion honey.

XO

Leah said...

Karrie--hey, Keanu's not such a weird and embarrassing one. I always picture him defying gravity in a long black trench coat!

Walker--my husband echoes your sentiment.

MJ--yes, I think Old Knudsen would maintain an impenetrable impassivity, you've got the frown and the jowls, oh wait those are my criteria, not yours. Okay, I swear it's hands off. I can't compete with you. Anyway, I've got my imaginary boyfriend Severus.

Old Knudsen, we were talking about you just now, were your ears burning?

Suzanne--sure, I hear ya. Actually, it's funny because in real life Alan Rickman has been with the same woman for decades. And she's his age. So ironically, I think the real guy might be more your type...

MJ said...

Regarding Old Knudsen: I don't think it was his ears that were burning.

Beverly said...

What I find so sexy about the video is the song...just KIDDING! Really, though, I think it's that he's so in control. I love dancing with cowboys when I'm in NM (there aren't any in CT, sadly), and I think the reason I find it so sexy and amazing is that on the dance floor, the man is in charge. I've always been in relationships that are pretty equal, or at least I've believed them to be, and I'm happy that way...secretly, though, I think it's dead sexy when my husband gets a little bit of the upper hand. Clearly A.R.'s character in this video has his mind made up. He's going to enjoy that little piece, but he's not changing for her. *sigh*

Leah said...

Hey Beverly, nice to see you! You have stated this so perfectly, I love your comment. Thanks for analyzing with me. It's so much fun to deconstruct things besides novels and scholarly articles once in awhile, isn't it?

Old Knudsen said...

No I'm nearly cleared up now just a slight tingling.

muralimanohar said...

I'm not deconstructin' nothin'. I'm just basking in Alan Rickman. Whew.

Leah said...

O.K.--good on you, you're back in action.

Murali--I know, right?!

A.B. said...

I actually thought he was hot in Sweeney Todd... how's THAT for weird?

INNER VOICES said...

ever seen the movie "the secretary"? yes? you know what im talkin about. no, go and buy it!

Beverly said...

"The Secretary" is my favorite romantic film!!

Leah said...

I definitely will check it out. I looked it up and it seems like just my cup of tea.

AB--not so weird--I had the same reaction--better even than Johnny Depp. Although, perhaps that just makes us both weird...

INNER VOICES said...

leah, beverly is right on the money... it was and is one of my favorite movies ever.

i have seen her in person and she hung out at a restaurants bar with us for a few and breast fed her newborn, cool/weird/wicked. i have never been starstruck or autograph happy but i had it for her for those moments and wanted cheese to lay down a red marker in their bill for them to sign with...

aaahhhhh.... the mamories...

Carnalis said...

thank you thank you

alan rickman *swoon*

indifference *swoon*

silly girl getting diesl on her frock *cheers*

elvy said...

Another AR fan, got here through google reader. ^_^

Wanna share some stories about the video... here and here.

Mr C said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr C said...

Let's try again without so many spelling mistakes:

I think I obsess about that video for a different reason from you - from you all.

I'm afraid I've been in love with Sharleen Spiteri ever since I went to a Texas concert in the park in Belfast and she sang an entire song ('Say What You Want' I believe) without breaking eye contact with me. From that moment ten years ago I would gladly have duelled Rickman and a dozen more middle aged englishmen for her affections - to the death.

Of course, had it been THAT song she was singing while staring at me I may feel a little differently - it's horrible

Leah said...

Mr C--that's an awesome story! Please do fight off Alan Rickman--he has no business trafficking with Sharleen Spiteri, she's obviously spoken for, as is he! LOL!

muralimanohar said...

Wait wait..that was Sharleen Spiteri?? She did an awesome cover of one of my favorite Killers songs. She has earned a little forgiveness from me. :p

afexion8 said...

Wow....I really enjoyed your analysis. And it is so refreshing to hear from someone who can boldly lust after Mr. Rickman in a completely intellectual, totally un-fan-grrl way.

So I suppose I shall continue on with my obsession, proud in the knowledge that it is grounded firmly in something that very nearly approximates reality.

(As if I could change, anyway....ha ha ha!)

Rickman <3 Snape <3 Brandon <3 Turpin ,