Rejoinder

Now, without further ado, I shall launch myself willy-nilly into the answering of the random questions posed me by my lovely readers.

From MJ:

1. What would happen if you were locked in a room alone with Alan Rickman? All the details, please.

Well now, I asked Sarge for help on this one. He says I would become tongue-tied and with nothing to offer but repeated "umms" and gulps, but not in a good way. I beg to differ; Sarge has no idea of my capacity for witty repartee under duress. Then we discussed whether Alan Rickman was on my marital Exception List. I feel he is. I asked Sarge who's short-listed for his exception list, and he replied "Alan Rickman." To which I said "what?!" to which he said, "what, you're good enough for him but I'm not?" Also short-listed for Sarge, Jenny Agutter circa 1976 and Pam Dawber circa 1978, Mork and Mindy era. "Unfortunately," says Sarge. "my short list involves time travel."

But I digress.

No question that, given permission and opportunity, and a one-way police interrogation mirror for Sarge (it's not cheating if your husband's watching, is it?), I would get to know Alan Rickman in the immodest sense. He would oblige me with his Severus costume; I believe it requires a clinging, semi-naked woman to complete the look, no?



But no sex, not for us. Merely a nice couple of hours of hot, wet, tongue-y kisses, sardonic looks (him), and some licking of all those buttons on the waistcoat (me).


From Hunter:

2. Whats the juiciest piece of gossip you have ever spread?

I never spread gossip.

Just kidding!!!!

The juiciest piece of gossip I've ever spread was two days ago, at coffee with my friend. But I can't repeat it because I don't want to commit myself to writing.

3. If you like men in uniforms why are you scared of the police?

I've put my Masters degree in psychology to use (finally!), and have come to the conclusion that my fear of the police is a reaction-formation defense mechanism to my generalized attraction to them. In other words, I'm actually sexually attracted to the uniform (it's kinda a fetish thing), but since it's not acceptable to be attracted to every single man in uniform, I'm translating attraction to a more acceptable impulse--fear. Now as for the uniform fetish, well, that's for another psychoanalytic session.

4. Girl on girl...guy on guy or guy on girl?

Girl on guy in my real life, guy on guy in my "secret" written porn life.

5. Why do you believe in heaven but not hell?

Well, the Jewish concept of Heaven and Hell is a little unclear anyway. But I guess I'm just uncomfortable with the idea of Hell. I have a whole complex schema whereby the super-evil people (like Hitler level evil, or child-molester-level evil) have to spend time after they die experiencing exactly what they have inflicted on their victims. I don't know, I guess my schema breaks down pretty quickly in its logic. Plus I'm not God, so who am I to conceptualize some sort of complicated purgatory like that. But still, for whatever the reason, I cannot accept the idea of Hell. I just don't think the God I believe in would sanction it. Okay, this was a lame answer to an excellent question--sorry, Mr. Hunter!!!!

From Kylie:

6. Tell me about a moment of joy you have or had in your everyday life

I was 16. It was a beautiful Fall day in Brooklyn. My parents and sister had gone out somewhere, and a boy named Dave, a Hardcore (remember them?) with a shaved head and combat boots and leather jacket, who really really liked me, stopped over for an unexpected visit. I was luckily wearing one of my favorite dresses, an ankle-length indian-print cotton with a gigantic ruffle around the bottom, an empire waist, and a front that laced up with leather over my boobs, and long tight sleeves ending in enormous puffs. And high black leather boots. Also my ubiquitous sterling silver hoop earrings. You must understand that I loved clothes with a passion, and this was an awesome outfit. Sexy but completely naive, just like me. This boy Dave was sexy but not at all naive, and I was a little scared of him but still I had the upper hand. I made him tea and we smoked cigarettes and I let him stare at me for awhile, and then I sat on his lap and let him kiss me a little, and then I put on my brown suede Bob Dylan jacket, and he his black leather jacket, and we went for a walk arm in arm and I bought a baguette at the little bakery down the street, and some flowers too for the dinner table.

That walk with Dave was a long moment of pure joy--I'm not sure why--maybe my outfit, maybe being young and feeling powerful and excited and a little scared in a good way all at the same time, and knowing how much he liked me--it was wonderful, and I'll never forget it or him although he's long gone. And so, might I add, is the dress, which gave up the ghost not soon after, just kind of disintegrated at the seams...

From CSI Seattle:

7. Where are your glasses?

I have removed them in order to better get at Alan Rickman's buttons.

8. If Alan Rickman wore glasses, would you still find him attractive?

I believe he does wear glasses, and I do still find him attractive. I love the way our glasses click together when we go in for the completely imaginary kiss!

9. Who is Alan Rickman?

A middle-aged, jowly, objectively homely British actor who has a sexual aura so powerful that it has more than once shorted out a fuse in my house.


10. Does your husband know about Alan Rickman, and if not, how much will you pay me not to tell him?

You, sir, have no recourse to profitable blackmail, as Sarge knows all about Alan Rickman and his kevorka, nay even supports my delusion of reference as leverage for his own inexplicable star crush on certain 1970s sitcom stars (see question 1 above).

11. Why do you think that this current trend of ask/answer question thing is so popular?

I think that people simply love to talk about themselves. The questioners are just being tolerant.

12. What is your greatest vice? (I will let you determine the definition of greatest.)

I believe that my greatest vice is my predilection for lengthy and involved daydreaming at the sometimes expense of quality time with loved ones. Sarge asked me the other night, as we sat in front of the fire, me half-assedly joining in our conversation but I guess not fooling anyone, "am I interrupting something?"


13. You have one hour to live (for the purpose of this question of course). How will you spend that hour? And not with Alan Rickman.

I will spend it eating canned ravioli and watching "Murder, She Wrote."

From Random Chick:

14. What's Alan Rickman's favorite ice cream flavor? Of anyone, I think you would know...

I am only hazarding a guess here...Haagen-Dazs Rum Raisin?

From Skeeter:

15. Are you Ginger or Mary Ann?

I am most decidedly Ginger.

16. A scenario for question 2. You are at the counter. You can have anything you see. Which cookie do you pick?

I really want the gigantic chocolate chip cookie, but I'll just have the biscotti.

From Mr. Shife:

17. Will Mrs. Shife have a boy or a girl?

I am consulting my oracle, but it's unclear. I can't tell whether that's a teeny tiny penis or a renegade candy cane that got in there somehow...

18. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Well, better a mattress than an Imperial Wizard...

19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Yes, your hypothesis is correct.

From Inner Voices:

20. what is the most compromising situation you have been "discovered" in?

Upstate New York, November of now more than a decade ago, having a quick one on the snow-covered ground in the woods behind the house (more fun than you might think)...well, we were almost discovered...someone was calling, looking for us...finished up just in the nick of time...but it was close.

21. When will the cows come home?

When they run out of clean underwear.

22. Single "o" or multiple "o's"?

Multiple, most of the time. Well, I'm enthusiastic!

23. Star Trek or Star Wars?

I'm loyal to Star Wars, but Star Trek will always be my number one.

24. The sky is falling. what would you do?

It isn't really, you know. I think you've been nipping at the lysergic acid diethylamide again...

25. What is the best piece of advice i can bestow on two children that are not my own?

My dad left me with two pieces of advice, and although I know they sound incredibly silly, I have actually kept them in mind all my life, and they are both true, metaphorically and practically, so I pass them on to you guys:

1. Never carry a "lazy man's load."
2. If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing poorly.

From Megan:

26. If you had to give up your computer or give up knitting for one month, which would you give up and why?

I would definitely give up the computer. Of all my hobbies, knitting is by far the most relaxing, and I can't imagine not doing it at all for a month. The only thing I do on my computer that is "essential" is my writing, and I can do that long-hand, on legal pads. Besides, it might be fun to have a complete blogging blackout and then come back and try to figure out what had gone on in the interim!

27. If you were given a check for $10,000 but immediately had to give it away to a charity, what would you choose?

Half to an animal charity, probably an independent shelter that could really make immediate use of the money. Half to a hospice.

28. What's your middle name?

My middle name is Simone.

From Suzanne:

29. Do your feet smell? If so, is it your fault or your shoes?

Generally no. But I do have one pair of very cheap funky shoes that have a tendency to, er, ripen things up. I avoid them now.

30. I'm looking at MJ and her tights, so this is a logical question. Would you wear those tights on your legs or on your head (like Cat In The Hat)?

Love those tights. Definitely on my legs, with motorcycle boots. That Cat in the Hat hat makes me nervous.

31. Do you wear panties or are you free baby?!!!

I totally wear underwear at all times. Well, nearly all times. It's like a sacred trust between me and my nudity. We need to be clothed.


32. What is your favorite color?

Orange. Orange! I love orange, I always have.

33. What do you think of Suzanne?

Suzanne is a deeply kind person. She possesses in abundance the two qualities which are absolutely the sine qua non in my eyes: a sense of humor and a sense of compassion. She also feels things deeply and that causes her pain sometimes. I know because I share this trait and recognize it in others.

34. If you had a choice between a gun, a knife or your words to deter a criminal, which would you use? Why?

I would definitely choose the gun. Words are too iffy--they don't always work, and I wouldn't want to take a chance. The knife? Too up close and personal. I don't want to touch anyone's blood. Also, one is more easily disarmed with a knife. The gun would give me a chance to not have to get violent.

35. If you had a choice between CSI, IV, Bob or Severus, which would you choose!!! OH COURSE I'M LAUGHING!!!

Okay, CSI, IV, and Bob are hotties, each in their own individual and compelling way. But for the sake of propriety, I'm going with the imaginary dude.

36. Your favorite vegetarian meal?

Definitely Lebanese food: foule mudamas (fava bean salad) on pita bread, tabouleh wrapped in little tender lettuce leaves, rice with toasted pine nuts, my mother-in-law's mujjadereh (lentils, onions, and rice) and Khiyar b'laban(yogurt-cucumber sauce).

37. Your favorite non-vegetarian meal?

Also Lebanese. My father-in-law's stewed chicken with mograbieh (pearl couscous).

38. How did you get this far without your glasses?

By "squinting my way down to 20-20 vision" a la George Costanza.

From Queen Goob:

39. Do you REALLY brush your teeth every night before bed?

Well.....

not always...

don't tell...

I do try to at least rinse with Listerine as I stumble bedwards...

40. Spit or swallow?

Mouthwash? Spit.

Oh, that's not what you meant...

Swallow. Always, always swallow. All of it, every last drop. I just think it's more polite that way. Plus tidier.


41. Favorite NFL team?

Miami. I know, I know...

42. When you pick your nose, do you wipe, roll, or flick?

Just like I never gossip, always brush my teeth, never do anything that would require, er, swallowing, so too do I never never EVER pick my nose.


*...goes back to daydreaming...*