Baby

Today I made the acquaintance, for the first time, of the magical little infant daughter of one of my oldest and dearest friends in the world, and it was both lovely and unsettling.

I've been debating for a few years now the question of the second child. It's a boring debate, really. I'm so precious that I sicken myself--who cares one way or the other? I've taken family planning to a ludicrous outer limit of analysis. But I constantly ask the same questions of myself over and over again: will Hedgehog be lonely without a sibling? Or is it nicer to be a family of three? She's super, would another one be? How could we afford two private school tuitions? Where would we put the little feller? Can I go through the monotony and claustrophobia of infancy and toddlerhood once more? Will anxiety and depression rear their ugly conjoined heads again? But will I miss out if I never get to care for another infant in this life? And here's the deepest darkest secret thought: I don't want to go back to work really, but can I justify staying home if I only have one child?

In the annals of the Lady Wars, women have a lot of judgment to pass on each other. You know the drill, mothers vs. those without kids, working mothers vs. stay-at-homes, breast-feeders vs. bottle-feeders etc. etc. Might I say, as an aside, I've received quite a bit of tacit disapproval about my choosing to be home, and then again some disapproval over "extended" breast-feeding (okay, I did nurse Hedgehog for a long time, but I think some people are freaked out by anything over six months). Anything you do as a woman, someone (mostly other women) are going to have something to say about it. But the newest criticism I've fielded is the "only child" criticism. A well-meaning neighbor, whose daughter recently gave birth to twins, commented to me that I "have it so easy" with one child. S***t did that p**ss me off. How presumptuous! And I'm constantly asked if Hedgehog is "my only one" and when are we planning to have another...it's just impossible not to feel pressured. But then I worry that this pressure is fueling my consideration of another baby.

Then do I want to do it all over again? I don't know if I like the thought...but I'm afraid of regret...

I was very nervous about holding Baby P today, at first. Then I did hold her, and it all came back to me in a single, visceral rush. And most of the sense-memory was sweet...