Tuesday, January 27, 2009

...a madness has seized me...

I pray that I've had my last smoke.  It was so sad really, that last wonderful drag.  But done it must be.  My confidante, yummy, soothing, my respite, my private moments, my dear cigarettes.  My seat by the window where I can write with one arm, hanging the other outside in the cold so that I won't inflict the smoke on Hedgehog.  Non-smokers won't understand the whole sordid love affair.  Smokers, past and present, you know how it is don't you?

I said a post or two ago that it's never a good idea to make public pronouncements, but announced this must be.  So here I am announcing.

I've quit before, at times for years.  This last setback lasted six months.  Maybe I was at a more vulnerable time of my life, more in need of consolation, but whatever--I just couldn't stay away.  The last time I was pregnant, nine years ago, I hadn't smoked in years so quitting wasn't an issue.  When Hedgie was two or three, I became grimly depressed, and returned to the habit.  I would sit outside on our stoop, hiding from motherhood, lighting up and daydreaming.  Then I quit again, then I started again.  And here I am again.

My love affair with smoking is like a horrible sexual attraction gone terribly wrong, a man who beats you but loves you too and to whom you can't help but return again and again.

I feel like screaming.  If this sounds overwrought, well, I tell you, a madness has seized me.  

This is definitely the sort of post that one takes down when one realizes how much one has embarrassed one's self.


Updated: Remember not to tell me it's a bad unhealthy habit, because let's be honest, it looks sexy, smells delicious, and helps smooth out the rough spots.  Those public service ads on tv showing the ill effects of smoking? They just make me run for my pack.  My breath is like an ashtray? Kiss me and you'll find it tastes sweet, I guarantee.

All that said.......heeeeelllllllppppp!!!!!!!
 

38 comments:

faycat said...

J-Cat quit on New Year's Day. I think we should all remember that the person who has to live with the person doing the quitting has to endure certain related hardships as well...

I'm kidding. But seriously, how potential is that "potential"?

Did you know that I finally quit once and for all largely because I thought the smoke would get on Opaw's fur and she has to clean herself and would ingest all that badness? I'm psycho. The rest of the reason was purely vanity, I could care less about my lungs.

Leah said...

Uh oh, did I post the first version of this post before I edited that out? Anyway, I think it's more than potential, urgh and double urgh.

You're absolutely right about the person living with the quitter. OMG, is he going insane? He's so good, it's already been nearly a month! Rock on J-Cat!

Sarge is next. He's dreading it.

faycat said...

I think my google reader is showing an older version of this post? ZOMG!!!

He's actually doing okay, he gets grumpy and I just try to ignore him. He has put up with my diet grumpiness in the past after all. But I'm pretty proud, he had to go up to Foxwoods for a bachelor party a couple weeks ago, all with friends who smoke like chimneys, and his friend swore to me that he didn't smoke at all. If we do finally take our trip to Europe in the spring, however, that may be a tough one.

kylie said...

i have never smoked and i dont understand why you love it but i do understand that it's devilishly hard to give up so BRAVO!!

best of luck !

Cece said...

Good luck. I know it's hard, but smoking is a terrible, nasty and expensive habit. I hope you can do it.

Leah said...

@Faycat: wow, he is doing good if he withstood temptation among smokers at a bachelor party!!!!!

Effortlessly Average said...

Ok, I'm going to crass and "male" and pronouce that you could always find something else to fixate on orally.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. heh.

Leah said...

@Effortlessly Average: I'm desperate so it's really not a bad idea...we are talking about the same thing, aren't we? Cupcakes?

Effortlessly Average said...

Well you could certainly cover it with frosting; I don't think he'd mind. heh.

Queen Goob said...

Oh Sugar all my love, hopes, hugs, and support. I'm a smoker, too. So far today it's 8:00 here I have had two cigarettes. It's a really difficult habit to break and to me that is exactly what it is - a habit.

But it's a good friend, too. If you ever need to vent, rage, cry, yell, or vent some more I'm here for you. And tell Sarge if he needs someone to quit with him.....I'm almost ready.

MEGAN....SHE NEEDS US, HONEY!!!

just bob said...

Good luck with it Leah... and thanks for the comments and suggestions over at my blog (especially the ones you didn't keep up).

Megan said...

All my support, dear heart. It can be done, but oh, it's so hard.

I'm not ready yet. But if you are, I say go for it and don't look back!

Karen ^..^ said...

I support you 100%. Besides, I am of the recent quit club.

I am now one full week and a half off the patch. I'm hoping to stay way away from the damn irresistible things.

I won't say it is bad for you, as we all know it is. I wont say it is expensive, as that makes me really mad when people say it to me (people who waste WAY more money on even more stupid things) and I won't say it is a dirty nasty habit either, because there are other dirty nasty habits that people have, that just aren't as obvious.

I can't really say anything without sounding pompous and judgmental, so I wont. Besides, I'm struggling too. Still.

I wish the best of luck to you. I hope you succeed in this. I hope I do too.

Joyful Jo said...

Good luck Leah.I know all about the partner giving up as it was hell going through it when Mark gave up 15 odd years ago. it was worth it in the end. A colleague at work just had a heart attack at the age of 36 years old. Of course everyone is saying she will have to give up smoking now.

Skeeter said...

Hi Leah,

I too am a reformed smoker. Just loved that "filthy habit". Have a cigar every once or twice a week now. Don't miss smoking caigarettes at the moment, but even after years of not smoking them, I still think about sparking one up, especially when things are going badly.

You know all the reasons for quitting. They are every where and a million people are more than happy to tell you about them. None of that matters though. When you quit, you will and for your own reasons. Those are good enough.

One thing dear, as sweet as kisses are, they really do taste like licking an ashtray.

Best wishes,

Skeeter

Leah said...

@Skeeter--yes, but a sweet, sweet ashtray.

Maybe it's just me, I don't mind it. But then I like to kiss a man with whiskey on his breath too. It's less tame than mouthwash, although in the end the ingredients are the same.

Leah said...

Oh and can you tell I'm a bit loopy?

6:31 am and no cigarette.

Suzanne said...

To my darling "loopy" cigarette free friend,

YOU GO GIRL!!!! I quit in 1986 after only 8 short, stupid years. Wow, that's over 20 years ago!!! Gives self hug...YOU GO GIRL!!! You'll get the hang of it. Trust me. I'll keep checking in to lend support. DON'T GIVE UP DAMIT!!!! I swear to God you can do it. And once you kick it, you can basically do anything in life because that's the hardest MFing thing you'll ever do. Trust me. And Karen...GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!

Love you guys,
Me

Leah said...

Thank you dear Suzanne! That helps. It really does.

Karen ^..^ said...

Don't be a masochist, Leah, throw on a patch!! It helps, it really, really does. Then you can concentrate on breaking yourself of the mental hold it has on you without jumping out of your skin from nicotine withdrawal. Then you can wean yourself off the patch much easier.

Queen Goob said...

Okay....it's 8:30 and I'm with you so far....no smoke as of yet. I'll hang with you today, Leah!

Karen - I'm so proud of you, too. Maybe it IS time for me as well.

Leah said...

Hi girls! A smoke-enders' help blogline...but I just wanted to remind anyone who smokes but isn't ready to quit, not to feel guilty or worried, ya know?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

MJ said...

It's a bad unhealthy habit.

Leah said...

Hi Bob!

Queen Goob said...

11:15 and still going strong. I even took a break and walked the neighborhood behind my office complex this morning.

And for the record, I promised my offspring I would quit....last year...and I hate breaking a promise.

Leah said...

Hi QG, last night I took a walk after my daughter had gone to sleep; even though it was cold, it was very nice. I stopped in for a coffee and some groceries and strolled a bit, and it was fine. Today I'm having a devilish time of it.

Queen Goob said...

3:10 and this is the first time I've actually WANTED a smoke. I may go out and take a walk this afternoon just to kill a few minutes. Did it this morning and it worked fine. I'm thinking this evening when I could take a few on the back porch is when I'll fight my demons.

Brandy Rose said...

I know exactly how you feel! I hugged my pack to me as I read this knowing that I will soon be leaving them, ending our long time love-hate relationship. It sucks!

Leah said...

QG: it's definitely a one-day-at-a-time thing, right? I guess it's like a diet--even if you fall off the wagon, you still shouldn't totally give in or beat yourself up (see, I'm already anticipating falling off the wagon, damnit!!!!!) But so far so good--

Walking is great. I'm going to end up stalking my neighborhood like a ghost, at all hours of day and night!!!!

xoxoxo

Leah said...

Brandy Rose give those smokes a little smooch from Leah!!! lol xo

Jimmy Bastard said...

I wouldn't mind seeing your butt.

Leah said...

ah Jimmy, always a cheering up from you!

hnter1018 said...

Leah I feel your pain. I have smoked since fifteen and quit twice/ Once for four years sarted for ayear then quit for 5 years only to pick it up last April. Smoking is something I love even though its horrible what it does to you and the way it smells. Non smokers will never understand. The way you describe it is just how I feel. I have seen people wuit and never look back. For me it's a daily battle when not smoking. I think of it everyday wishing wanting almost lusting for that drag. I know I have to quit again and I will but I have to do it when I want...not when someone else wants me too. good luck.

Rich said...

I used to smoke and I know what you mean. I have been free of it for 15 years now. I wish you luck - you may get more kisses with better smelling breath.

Leah said...

@Hunter, oh yes it's agony...thanks for the words!

Rich, omg I'm getting paranoid about my breath now! I swear I get plenty of kisses!!!! *furtively pops in a Winto-green Lifesaver*

Megan said...

Funny story - my aunt has been smoke free for years, but she told my mother in an email the other day that as soon as she gets the "non-operable" diagnosis, she's starting again IMMEDIATELY.

Okay, maybe not funny to everyone. But in my family, it's hilarious...

Megan said...

Keep up the good fight, Leah! I'm not with you, but I'm here for you!

muralimanohar said...

Hey...good for you. I just spent two days around a walking chimney, and trust me...sweet ain't what I would describe how he smells.

Did you know a smoker's lungs can go back to being pink and nonsmoking in appearance in a few years? Your body is going to LOVE you!