Alex never really wanted to get married; he didn't see the point, and probably also had a lot of reservations about me (who could blame him). I had to convince him. We'd been together five years. I brought it up a lot, strategically and then directly. He kept saying no, it wasn't the right time, and then quoting Joni Mitchell: "we don't need a piece of paper from the city hall..."
I really wanted to get married to him. Eventually I wore him down, and we got a set of 14k gold wedding rings at Macy's (on sale for $35 dollars for my slender band and $65 for his manly version), and we got married by a judge in chambers at the Supreme Courthouse at the foot of Montague Street.
I was never sure what he really felt about me. Not really. Well, sometimes I was certain he hated me. Sometimes I thought I was his. Mostly I was just unsure. Maybe in the very very beginning, when I was young and his eyes twinkled at me like Pa's eyes twinkled at Laura, I knew. But he held me at arm's length and I was never certain where I stood. Not for 28 years.
I would have crossed the frozen wastes of the Steppe, on foot, for just one sure sign of his love.
1 comment:
Somehow this post breaks my heart more than your others, describing your sudden and cruel loss. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I always seem to fall into relationships just like that, where I'm perpetually insecure in the relationship? I know he loved you deeply.I can't explain how I know, but from your interactions online and all you write about, and just the longevity of the marriage and relationship, no man would stay that long without a deep and abiding love, not even the most complacent of men. From all you've described of "Mother", I'm sure he had some deep-rooted mother issues, and would have held every woman at arms length, despite the love he surely had. You and I both know that insecurity means putting thick walls up. Even the mightiest of women can't break some barriers down; they're there forever. And men aren't strong like women are; at least not in the same ways we are, where they'll see it as a weakness or yes, even a mortal threat, to lower the defenses. I guess it just breaks my heart to read that you're not absolutely sure of his love for you, given your deep chasm of grief. That just kills me. And I wish so much I could take half of it from you so you can get through a day a bit more easily.
Love always.
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