Sunday, September 18, 2011

Rejected Post Topics Part 3

My mind is traveling here and there without fully alighting anywhere. So here, in relaxing list format, are some post topics I've considered and then rejected:

1. My romantic dream about Adrian Monk

2. Lesson that should've been learned from Valley of the Dolls: pills and vodka do not mix, my friend. Not even one pill and one vodka shot, not even in a moment of frivolity.

3. Before you lambast the NYPD, consider this: the nature of their jobs and the fact that, while you are hiding in your vestibule, or behind a bush, cheerfully hurling accusations of racism and police brutality into your camera phone while sipping cocoa and peeking out at the scene through double-paned glass or thick shrubbery, they must actively engage with it.

4. The grumpiness of tweens and how sometimes an offer of a cookie and a hug will diffuse that. Just like when they were three!

5. Too bad the focus was taken away from (creepy I'll admit) Michele Bachmann's initial take-down of Perry's mandatory HPV vaccine. And since when did hard science or objective evaluation research findings EVER STOP monomaniacal lobbyists on either side of the political spectrum?!

6. I propose that we employ a law enforcement staff who will serve the sole purpose of lurking around adolescents on dates and then holding them down to forcibly strap on rubbers at the moment of sexual contact. And if said law enforcement were kitted out in mirrored sunglasses and leather boots, I suppose they could serve as a Third! And let's call them The Rubber Squad. And fund them with tax dollars.

7. While we're at it, Mayor Bloomberg, let's use tax dollars to fund an attractive band of yoga instructors who will roam the city, knocking cigarettes and Cokes out of our hands, pin us down between their yoga thighs, and stroke our brows with calming flower essence. Yes, let's!

8. Department of Transportation public service ads importuning the NYC bicyclist: "don't be a jerk!" Suggests too many NYC bicyclists are being jerks. Doesn't help their public cause...maybe a private mail campaign sent only to jerks?

9. pumpkin-flavored food items celebrating autumn: do we like them or are we wary?

10. Although women certainly don't ask to be raped, unless they're into role-playing B and D, it is to say the least ill-advised to stumble off from your group of girlfriends, at 2 a.m., heavily drunk and a walking bullseye. Harden your target, ladies!

11. Men who take up women's causes and then argue with women over women's causes are immediately suspect. I call it the New Sexism.

12. Pounding three shots of espresso wakes you up but then gives you the shakes: cost-benefit analysis?

13. Telling military men and women that you support them but not their job is like telling your mom that you love and respect her even though she sucks as a parent and well actually now that you have considered it, you don't love or respect her that much after all.

14. For the love of god, think before you hit send on that email.




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17 comments:

Liza Ursu said...

I want pumpkin pie right now, just like when I was three!
You are brilliant.

Leah said...

okay, I will confess: I am totally pro those pumpkiny treats!!! Thanks, Liza...

nick said...

Much food for thought there. And very little I could disagree with. I particularly agree with number 11. When will these guys realise, women are the experts on being women....

Leah said...

Nick! you know what I mean, right? so, are pumpkin treats popular over there, or is that more typically American?

kylie said...

the way things are going with liam and girls throwing themselves at him i am deeply in favour of the rubber squad. i trust the boy but there is only so much flattery and testosterone a person can take!

and i'm mostly careful about emails etc but sometimes i need my computer to have 5 pop-up boxes saying "are you sure?" are you really sure?


great list leah!

leahsimone said...

I was only partly tongue-in-cheek about that Rubber Squad, imagine all the heartache they could save the world from...lol

Ah the emails. Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be allowed...

nick said...

Not sure about pumpkin treats, but there are certainly plenty of punmpkins on sale for Halloween, I think mainly to make the traditional scary heads. As you probably know, Halloween is very big in Ireland, but Guy Fawkes Night is the biggie in the rest of the UK.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Your topics are definitely all over the map! But as far as pumpkin things... there is an ice cream shop here that makes pumpkin pie ice cream every fall and it is to die for!! I am waiting for it to come out. :-)

63mago said...

As a wise man once saied:
Thinking is for the weak!

Leah said...

pumpkin ice cream sounds amazing!


mago, never fear, I'm not dojng much thinking lately...

Pat said...

I've got a soft spot for Adrian also.

MJ said...

Pumpkin, please!

Followed by a shot of espresso.

mapstew said...

Hugs & food can change a mood! Teens that is, of which I have three! Good job I'm a good hugger who loves cooking! :¬)

xxx

Adam Kenny said...

I think the rubber squad and the roaming band of yoga instructors are both excellent ideas....although the former had more appeal to me when my daughter was teenager.

Sadly, at the risk of being an autumnal downer, I do not get the whole rush to pumpkinize everything this time of year. It's not as creepy to me as the "let's put green food coloring in it and call it Shamrock..." that goes in around St. Pat's Day, but it's close. That being said, if you are one - who like Linus in the Peanuts comic strip - believes in the greatness of the pumpkin, then enjoy!

Karen ^..^ said...

I'm ALL for the rubber squad!!!

Also, #13... makes me want to cry.

I'm one of those mothers that her child claims (emptily) to love and respect, while continuously shitting all over me in an alarmingly frequent manner.

I do support the troops. And I wouldn't want their job for anything.

Nor would I want the job of a police officer. There's a no win situation if I've ever seen one.

This was amazing. I love your rejected topics almost as much as I love your topic topics.

I've missed blogging so much.

Karen ^..^ said...

Oh, and I'm totally in love/lust with your new boots.

Scarlet Blue said...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS. m'dear!
SXXXX