Friday, March 8, 2019

Focus on the Good

Focus on the good, focus on the were not good for me, very often oftener than not, not good to me.  That's the fucking truth.  After this nightmare month passed, right at the end of it,  I thought I'd found some footing.  Equilibrium that I hadn't known in 28 years.  I started to remember what it was really like with you.  How wrecked and bloodied and battered I was, long before you died.  I started to think: I could finally have a life free from fear! My being was crowded, in the immediate afterwards, with the glory of your infrequent smile and the warm good smell of you, the sex, the jokes, the way you were my best friend forever...a strange set of only-half-truths my mind told me, because I was mourning my husband and that's the way it's supposed to go.  Focus on the good.

Focus on the good.  Focus on the good.  Focus on the good, even if the good kills you soul-dead in its memory.  The good I wished for.  The good I clung to like a weak infant.  You were the cloth mother, and I was trained to believe in a kindness of living flesh inside the soft rags suffused with that wonderful smell of Husband.  Focus on the good! Focus on the good! Focus on the good! Focus on the life! Focus on the beautiful memories! Good times! Compassion! Heroism! He loved you he loved you he loved you! Oh yes yes!

I'm curled up in the loneliness of 28 years of all alone, mourning the cloth mother and the Everything-I-Ever-Wished-I-Had.


Karen ^..^ said...

This is a tough one. Because no one can truly know, but you, what the dynamics of your relationship really were. Those of us watching from a distance will be quick to jump and say, "NO, he LOVED you!" But we don't really know that, and more importantly, it tends to defend the person who may not have always been so good. We don't mean it as a defense, of course. We mean it to soothe you at a time you are unable to be soothed. So I will not jump to any defense. I will only be here for you, even if silently, to let you know I'm here for you. You can tell me anything you need to. Friends do not judge, we do not jump to the defense of anyone but you. Know that.


DUTA said...
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Leah said...

Love you xoxo

savannah said...

You have my heart and my ear, leah. As Karen said, only you know what your day to day was and is NOW. All I can do is offer my defense of and support for YOU! xoxo

Leah said...

I'm in such a state of confusion. The grieving is weird and horrible and conflicting given my circumstances! I figure just writing stuff as I go might help me. much love to you for bearing w me xoxo

maurcheen said...

Grief does strange and terrible things to us. That is not to take from the relationship you had with Alex, which only you know. I remember feeling like this when my fiancé left me for someone else. It was a kind of grief. I still loved her but kept thinking about all the times she had been bad to me.
I cannot imagine what it is like to witness your spouse dying in front of you.
You have a lot of people who care about you, in the real world, and here. X