Friday, February 19, 2010

A Week of Cheap Thrills






speeding: driving as fast as I can because I can...or could...get my first ever speeding ticket, and am oh so embarrassed although Hedgehog queries, "mama if you're so embarrassed why did you tell daddy about it like you were kind of proud?"

Dwight Schrute: I'm not giving up on Severus, but I think I've found the man who's gonna give the Potions Master a run for his galleons, sickles, and knuts (if you have to ask, you're not the nerd I hoped you were).

strong drink midweek midday: everyone's out of the house and I'm supposed to be doing the things that a housewife does midday midweek but instead I'm raiding the stash. And maybe even watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" while doing it. Laughing like a maniac. Toasting myself.

reading menus: I'm online at the Russian Tea Room obsessing over the caviar menu and thinking about Caspian Sea Sevruga, how the frail gleaming beads pop on the tongue releasing their expensive salt.

Bugles: I'm eating 'em. Crispy corn horns of delight.

fake shopping: I wander the bright and cheerful aisles at Target, carefully choosing anything I want (new lipstick, note cards, stripey knee socks etc etc etc)...till I'm completely satisfied...then I go and put it all back. Cheapest shopping spree in the history of shopping. You should try it.

riding the scooter at Target: is this an American thing? That the superstores have motorized scooters for the elderly and disabled, and also (shhh...I didn't say it) the chronically lazy? Anyway, after a fake shopping spree this week, an older lady asks me to ride her motorized scooter back through the parking lot to the store for her. Omigod it is awesome. Those things really get up a little burst of speed, and can you guess what I go and do? I get too happy and crash it into the Dollar Spot shelves.

Then I hop off, adjust my skirt, and walk out like nothing happened...

It really was not a bad week.

39 comments:

Betsy said...

You are just too cute! What a week!

I had quite a lead foot in my 20's and got caught a few times, too!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I believe that's EXACTLY what a housewife does midday midweek. Or, that's what I've always assumed.

Have you been to the Russian Tea Room? Sadly, I found it too intimidating to be enjoyable.

Ronda Laveen said...

I got over being embarassed about my speeding tickets after the first one. Now, although, I haven't gotten one for a while, it's more like...do the crime, pay the fine. The cops usually like my cars and walk around, front to back, admiring them. Telling me about the Mustangs and Camaros they have at home or used to drive.

I always ask them if they take them out and put the hammer down. Of course, they have to deny it, but that's okay. I can see the truth in their eyes.

I don't have to ask and, yes, I am that nerd you think I am.

Somehow, I'm having visions of Bugles stuffed with Caviar.

nick said...

I suspect the speeding ticket won't be so cheap. I got my first speeding fine in 2007, I thought my speed was quite appropriate for the road conditions but they jumped on me anyhow.

My favourite cheap thrill is free food samples at supermarkets. I try as many as I can get away with but I seldom buy the actual product. I just refresh my lipstick and carry on shopping....

Martin H. said...

1976 was a the year for speeding in my case. At the time, it was a pain. Today, it's a trophy from my more carefree days.

Eleanor said...

I've never had a speeding ticket, nor even a parking ticket. Being this good is a dreadful chore, though, so I recommend that you just go on taking risks.

Isn't it supposed to be gin that we housewifey types indulge in? I'll bet that you were bold and thumbed your nose at the stereotype, though. I like that.

Love bugles and love fake shopping, though I don't actually load up the cart. I just take the stuff of the shelves, dream a bit, and put it back.

I actually qualify as disabled and could/should use a scooter, but I don't. I have enough trouble steering my feet some days, so no, best not jump on anything motorized in a public place.

What a splendid week you had - thanks for sharing. :)

savannah said...

bless your heart!

my first speeding ticket was a doozy! not only was it in california (driving up to san francisco from la), the MITM and miss daisy were in the car with me! i was driving a bmw, so when the officer stopped me and asked did i know how fast i was going, i said, no, sir, i normally drive a vw van and it never goes faster than 65! turns out i was doing over a 100mph, he gave me a ticket for doing 75 and told the MITM to drive the rest of the way. the MITM still tells this story! xoxoxox

(i had to click on the pic to know who it was, one of the guys from the office, right?)

Mrsupole said...

That was just too funny, not the ticket, but you crashing into the Dollar Spot shelves and you walking out like nothing happened. Yup, seeing the picture in my head is just too funny. Is that where you got the speeding ticket?

And go for it, drinking midweek, midday. Sounds like you had a fun week. I bring the grandkids with me when I go shopping and then I make them run and put everything back on the shelves that I change my mind about. Or I give it to the cashier and tell them that I have changed my mind and I do not want to buy that anymore. I used to buy it and then take it back and get a refund because I was too embarassed to tell the cashier I did had changed my mind. Now I just don't give a crap.

Last week at Costco I had asked one of the workers if they had something. He barely spoke english and so we had a communication problem, I thought he knew what I was saying and he went clear across the store to get it. He comes back with the wrong thing and I almost felt bad enough to buy something I did not want, but I told him no it was not it and said I was sorry that he had to put it back. Hubby went the next aisle over and found what I wanted. I need to bring a translator with me when I go shopping anymore. When did English become our second language. Sigh.

God bless.

PS....And please don't anyone have a cow, one of my grandfathers was of Mexican descent, but he spoke only English because he said he was an American. And the three grandkids who have Mexican fathers only speak English too. They tell me that they cannot talk to their spanish speaking cousins and complain to me about why do they not learn English. I just tell them that they should try to learn some spanish and their cousins should try to learn some English and then maybe somewhere in there they will both learn Spanglish and be able to communicate.

Yo hablo espanol un muy poquito.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I'm shocked at this latest bout of reckless behaviour from you, but also more than a little proud.

Write on.. speedy.

Tina said...

Sounds like lots of fun. I love Dwight, I am a Potter nerd and I want that scooter! I think the fake shopping spree would depress me though..

Brian Miller said...

ha. love this, sounds like a blast! riding one of those scooters has just become my mission for today.

Poetikat said...

I haven't given up the drink for Lent (I know, it's not valid if you tell anybody, so don't tell). I would love to join you in that mid-day, mid-week binge with the Bugles (haven't had those in donkey's years!).
I would also love to ride one of those scooters. (I once rode a 4x4 on a farm in Scotland. Does that count?)

Really fun and funny post, Leah!

Kat

Poetikat said...

P.S. That's the way I ALWAYS shop.

Pat said...

'I know I was over 80' of course I thought at first you were talking about years not miles - or whatever you have over there.
What a perceptive little girl Hedge hog is. You're going to have your work cut out there ducks.
Whatever you do keep off the Pernod.

otin said...

The caramel Bugles are the best!

Although I drive extremely fast, I have only had three speeding tickets in my life, and they all occurred in the same week!

Princess said...

Dear Leah,
The Empress was devastated when she recieved a speeding ticket.
It turned out that she had been running late for church!
On another note Tune into the "Palais" to view some totes!
Yes i've done it! :)

Hunter said...

Those scooters are awesome. Nothing beats getting the last one and then honking at elderly people to clear a path while you speed down the aisle.

Fun post!

John Hayes said...

I often have wondered what it's like to drive one of those scooters--now I know!

MJ said...

strong drink midweek midday

Remember...it's always Happy Hour SOMEWHERE in the world!

Megan said...

I have a Schrute Farms t-shirt. No lie. It even has a beet on it.

mago said...

Hard drink and crashing scooters ... the public needs "Stalker Dual".

Carry on!

Mike129 said...

I wouldn't know anything about speeding. Unfortunately the cops seem to. I had a huge smile when I read "kind of proud."

Yay! for the scooter at Target. We should arrange some races with those things. :)

Baino said...

Ha the only speeding tickets I get are because someone else goes fast in my car! She pays the fines and I cop the points. I still prefer the English version of The Office. Toast on sister. As long as the sun's over the yardarm! Hmmm . .can keep the caviar . . .I have no idea what a Bugle is other than a brass instrument that sounds the last post and shopping .. .hate it. I have to go and by an outfit for a wedding . . .you wait it'll be the day before and I'll find nothing. We have the motorised things but they're not for hire. Old people can ride them in the mall . .dangerous beasts all of them. . . fun week with free stuff! All good.

mago said...

Came here again and accidently clicked this Schrute-link.
I do not understand "it": The new demi-god of planet Brooklyn? I do not want to sound sour or sonething, please explain this Milchbubi to me.

Tracey said...

Oh I LOVE to shop like that!!! It is amazing hw satisfying it is to "own" something for a few minutes.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Love your reply to the ticket!!!! I get to drive scooters for some of the patients at the hospital. Once they get plunked in their beds, we have to drive the scooter to the 'parking' area. Quite a few of the other female nurses are terrified of them... Why, I don't know! I have a blast on them! One old lady always has the speed cranked up to 10... have to turn it down. I'd probably get fired if I ran over one of the other patients... :-\

Mmmmmm.... Bugles! Love those things! I just might have to make a run to the corner store now...

mapstew said...

Bugle? Isn't that something a soldier plays first thing in the morning?

Slow down naughty lady! :¬)

xxx

Madame DeFarge said...

Living life dangerously huh? Must be all those Bugles (and I had to google those - it's a different snack language over there).

Merely Me said...

I had to hop over because my reader was very interesting for this post. "Over 80"?! Hopefully it wasn't on your street!!!! Highway? That's the norm! ;)
Hope you have recovered and don't drown in Bugles. (Did you put them on your fingers and create a play with Hedgehog?)

Tom said...

you really know how to make fun out of nothing. That's talent.

Mr. Shife said...

Sounds like a good week to me. I have never done the fake shopping but I think that would be fun. I might have to try it. And nice work on the speeding ticket. 84 mpn - not too shabby.

VE said...

Speeding tickets...I used to get those like some people get dinner...

subby said...

Heh, too bad you were caught on radar! I've only had a couple, the rest were warnings. And we have at least one of those motourised scooters in store but it's usually not working...

California Girl said...

Hi Leah! I like your revelations. Great idea too about the shopping spree. That should work anywhere...well, maybe not @ TJ Maxx.

Walker said...

At least you didn't get a speeding ticket driving the scooter

tut-tut said...

Me, I've yet to get a speeding ticket. Though I did get a ticket for going straight through a green light, rather than turning left.

INNER VOICES said...

peddle to the meddle..

INNER VOICES said...

see what i did there?!?

Karen ^..^ said...

Some people really know how to live!!!

I've done the shopping spree thing before. It really does not take long to fall out of love with the things you load into your cart. It doesn't hurt to put them all back again, after spending a little time with them.

For me, the thought of unpacking them all, and putting them away is off putting enough to have no problem putting them back.