Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thank You

...for such kind words about Pippin. Yesterday when I was very sad I read them all several times and felt just a bit bolstered by the sweetness.

Attending Pip in his death hour brought up all sorts of very hard memories of my dad's death at his home five years ago, attending that death in all its painful detail and helping dad as he crossed over into what I hope is another, better place. It was quite agonizing. But one can't be a shirker in such cases. Not with dad, and not with Pippin. When someone is dying and it's down to you, even if you're frightened, even if you're horrified, well, you can't turn away, you must see it through to its natural end, it's your faithful duty to soothe and care and help as as much as one can help in that strange unearthly grey place between our world and the next.

Besides, Sarge called me "unflinching," and although truly I did flinch, I must try in my life to live up to that, the best compliment I've ever received, coming from a man, a soldier in every sense, my hero who has seen things I couldn't come up with in nightmares...

I was going to write more about it, it's haunted me for years, but when I sat down to do so I realized that I'm still not able to find words, and that maybe those words wouldn't be helpful to me anyway, not at this moment. All I can say is, it's waaaaay existential, dudes.

Perhaps a post of more cheer later today...



Jimmy Bastard said...

A serious comment from me, just for once reet?
People really do care about you hen.

JB x

savannah said...

what jimmy said, sugar. xoxox

(it took me years to actually verbalize, much less write, about the deaths of both my parents within a year. everything in its own time, sugar)

Gig said...

Beautiful words Leah.

peace for you,
love, gig,xoxo

MJ said...

There's no pressure for a cheerful post.

Everything in its own time.

My way of coping with any situation is humour but you can't force it.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Leah. Take the time you need. We'll be here.

Queen Goob said...

Take the day....take the time you know we'll be here waiting.

We love you, Honey!

Mr. Shife said...

I am so sorry about your dog. I feel bad for not getting out to your blog sooner. My deepest sympathies and condolences to you and your family. Losing a beloved is so hard. I hope you are doing OK all things considered, and part of me feels bad because I have been talking about how Quincy dog is doing better after his surgery. Again Leah I am so sorry for your loss and virtual hugs from Idaho.

Ponita said...

Death of a loved one, whether human or animal, is never an easy thing. And being the stoic one, as I have been on too many occasions, means there is much on the inside that needs to mull and brew and heal before the words form coherently.

But always remember, death is a part of life. It is inevitable. So no matter how harsh, cruel, horrifying or agonizing we find it, it happens to each and every one of us.

Warm hugs and wordless wishes for you to find the peace you seek.

kylie said...

leah i'm so pleased that you are who i thought and stayed with Pippin. i know a few people who claim to love their pets but who won't stay and comfort them in those final moments. it pains me to think that they give us so much but we fail them like that, especially if it is in the unfamiliar surroundings of the surgery.
i have never yet been called on to nurse a pet or a person through a particularly difficult death but i would really hope that i could be unflinching.
well done and lots of love

Karen ^..^ said...

You're a better woman than I... I have gone as far as taking my beloved kitties into the room, and at the very final moment, having to leave because I couldn't face the horror of their actual death. You are awesome for what you did for Pippin. It takes a lot of strength, and you rose to the occasion.

I'm proud of you.


Suzanne said...

Hi baby,

Yes, I know I'm late. Trust me, I know, but you know what I've been going through, so know you understand. I think I used "know" three times. Is that proper in a sentence? I know it's not!!! And yes...I know you're laughing as hard as me!

Baby, I love you and I'm sorry. You know me. I actually thought Pippin would go before Newman. Who knew? We're in the same boat and paddling desperately up a New York stream. It's unkind, unfair, horrible, hurtful, all the things that just want to break your heart. I'm on my second month and I don't feel better. I feel as sick as the day I watched him die. Speaking of which, it amazes me that a long time companion is often left alone to face death. I was at the Vet's a week before Newman was put to sleep and watch a couple who loved their little poodle so much. We talked and I learned the wee one was being put to sleep. I was shocked when the woman (in tears) handed the beloved one to the vet tech and walked away. I don't understand how you leave a beloved animal to die without you. I don't. After all those years.

I love you darling and hope you're coping and for God sakes never feel as if you have to be anything but sad at this time. Don't worry about blogging. Don't worry about anything. Just grieve. Bob said something interesting on my blog about giving myself time to grieve. He's right you know. It's important to grieve. I've been doing that this past week and it helped.

I had a dream last night and Newman and Hillary appeared. They told me to let them go. They were in a good place and everything was okay and that they would wait for all of us. I remember waking and sitting right up in bed. It was that real. I knew they were with me and everything was okay. Last night, I let them go.

You'll find that place in your heart. Eventually. Until then, hold on. Believe and know they love you.



(Not-So) Cynical Gal said...

We should totally talk about this sometime. I have been considering a post about the days and weeks before my dad's got such a taboo feel to it doesn't it. Maybe for that reason alone that you need to blog about it (when you are ready).

Much love!