Alex never really wanted to get married; he didn't see the point, and probably also had a lot of reservations about me (who could blame him). I had to convince him. We'd been together five years. I brought it up a lot, strategically and then directly. He kept saying no, it wasn't the right time, and then quoting Joni Mitchell: "we don't need a piece of paper from the city hall..."
I really wanted to get married to him. Eventually I wore him down, and we got a set of 14k gold wedding rings at Macy's (on sale for $35 dollars for my slender band and $65 for his manly version), and we got married by a judge in chambers at the Supreme Courthouse at the foot of Montague Street.
I was never sure what he really felt about me. Not really. Well, sometimes I was certain he hated me. Sometimes I thought I was his. Mostly I was just unsure. Maybe in the very very beginning, when I was young and his eyes twinkled at me like Pa's eyes twinkled at Laura, I knew. But he held me at arm's length and I was never certain where I stood. Not for 28 years.
I would have crossed the frozen wastes of the Steppe, on foot, for just one sure sign of his love.
Somehow this post breaks my heart more than your others, describing your sudden and cruel loss. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I always seem to fall into relationships just like that, where I'm perpetually insecure in the relationship? I know he loved you deeply.I can't explain how I know, but from your interactions online and all you write about, and just the longevity of the marriage and relationship, no man would stay that long without a deep and abiding love, not even the most complacent of men. From all you've described of "Mother", I'm sure he had some deep-rooted mother issues, and would have held every woman at arms length, despite the love he surely had. You and I both know that insecurity means putting thick walls up. Even the mightiest of women can't break some barriers down; they're there forever. And men aren't strong like women are; at least not in the same ways we are, where they'll see it as a weakness or yes, even a mortal threat, to lower the defenses. I guess it just breaks my heart to read that you're not absolutely sure of his love for you, given your deep chasm of grief. That just kills me. And I wish so much I could take half of it from you so you can get through a day a bit more easily.
ReplyDeleteLove always.